What I Liked & Learned in 2018

What I Liked…

Nonfiction
Our Kids: The American Dream in Crisis by Robert Putnam

This book was earth-shattering. Today, one of the last things the majority of us still agree on (90%) is that every American deserves an equal opportunity to get ahead. Hard work can take you to the top. Except, it’s no longer true. Instead of racial, cultural, or identity divides of the last few decades, today we’re separating ourselves into class divides between the college-educated and the high-school educated. America isn’t split among the 1% and the 99%; it’s the 30% educated “rich” and the 70% uneducated “poor”. Social mobility, or climbing the socioeconomic rungs, is getting better & better for the educated, yet nearly impossible for the uneducated. And, won’t automation and looming AI integrations make this far worse before it gets better? Planning to write/think/build much more on this in 2019.

Fiction
Stoner by John Williams

Just beautifully written. One reviewer states, “The most beautiful book in the world.” It’s a look at a life that on the surface, seems wasted, trite & mistreated, a small-town bootstrapping academic with a broken marriage, stalled career, waning friendships, & increasing isolation. But, the human element shines on, as the protagonist continually redefines his own definition of meaning. In the end, he finds deep contentment and peace with what he’s become, quite possibly the greatest gift imaginable.

For a list of all my 2018 (and current) reads, go here.

Artist
blackbear

Our family Apple Music account is a strange mix of kids sing-alongs and Dad’s fringe music. Meredith continually :eye rolled: at having all these albums mixed in our library this year. Naturally, I don’t endorse or condone lyrics from these songs (or album covers), but I really enjoyed them.

Album
“Gallery” by ARIZONA

Listened start-to-finish at least 100 times.

Show
The Crown

This met my optimal criteria of combining learning & perspective-shaping with entertainment. Epic series, Netflix. Thank you. But stop wasting $$ on all the other garbage.

Film
Darkest Hour

I guess I really liked British history this year. The last twenty minutes is awesome, beginning with Churchill on the Underground through the ending House of Commons speech in Parliament. Wow.

Documentary
Won’t You Be My Neighbor?

Long live Fred Rogers. I love this man. If you want to take things to the next level ahead of Tom Hanks starring in his biopic, read Tim Madigan’s I’m Proud of You: My Friendship with Fred Rogers. You’ll cry and yearn to love better. And while you’re at it, read his Dartmouth commencement speech. It’s you I like.

And What I Learned…

About Myself

Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.

2018 brought the fall after an eight-year rise. After year-after-year of growth at FTB, it came to a screeching halt, our senior lender called our loan, and we went through a pretty deep round of layoffs. I had advisors, mentors & investors giving a whole range of advice: shut the company down, spin out the B2B/B2C segments, sell off the consumer tech, raise more cash & restructure, keep operating with leaner burn, etc. At times, the sheer spectrum of possibilities seemed daunting & confusing. Jobs, well-being, and investor dollars were at stake —whom do you prioritize among yourself, employees, family, and capital providers? How do you learn when to fight and when to quit? I’m still figuring out a lot of this, but already full of eagerness to put all I’ve learned back into practice.

One of my biggest takeaways from 2018 is that I’m not very interested in being a good operator. The entrepreneurial mold most founders champion is to start a company, get to viability, begin hiring, systematizing, scaling, partnership-ing, acquiring, etc. Most narratives of “success” follow this — you start it, grow it, sell it. But, all of us are wired differently, and it’s taken me time (and failure) to learn a basic fact about myself: I’m fascinated with starting, building & proving viability, then I’m dead-bored with what comes next. I love growing it, but only to a certain point. Getting FTB to $1M with three people, then $4M with twelve of us was an incredibly fun ride, but then I probably should’ve stepped off it. I have founder friends who love hiring and building systems, learning to successfully transition from founder to COO or CEO, and so on. I’m not one of them. I expect to startup a lot in 2019.

About My Wife

I am yours. Don’t give myself back to me.

I’ve learned in deeper ways that she loves me for being me, not for my accomplishments. My doubting, affirmation-seeking mind continually tells the lie that friends & family, “only love you because of what you’re capable of.” She has willfully signed up for, and encouraged, the risky path of starting our own thing(s), and at the moment, we’re both opening ourselves to new possibilities of how it could end up. But all along, our nine years of effort has been together. Few people know how much she’s contributed, invested, tolerated & built herself. I scoff a bit when people ask, “what do you do?” She’s the talented one: designer, artist, marketer, creative, stylist, painter, curator, and the absolute best at filtering out my good ideas from the crazy ones. She brings our lives rich beauty and detail.

This year also taught us that our best togetherness may not end in wild success, and in fact, we might lose it all. We’re used to feeling a version of that almost every year, but this year was harsher than ever. Seeing Mere respond lovingly to my vulnerability and mistakes has been nothing short of a miracle. She hasn’t pointed a finger, demanded more, or been spiteful about uncertainty even once. I’ve never heard “I want out.” We both choose to spend our lives working toward an uncertain future, but honestly, it’s a lot easier when you expect risk to be vastly rewarded. When it instead must be reconciled with failure, it can send you off the rails. Somehow, our marriage is stronger than ever and professional uncertainty has caused us to lean in to each other, finding newfound contentment apart from material goals and security.

About My Kids

True happiness is to enjoy the present, without anxious dependence upon the future.

Eugene O’Kelly’s book Chasing Daylight stayed with me all year. Faced with a terminal cancer diagnosis, the former CEO of KPMG spent the last few months of his life creating and cherishing “perfect memories” each day, being fully alive and engaged in the present. Why can’t we live every day with this level of mindfulness? This sounds like a meditative cliché, but as an entrepreneur, so much of my consciousness is spent longing for, and building toward, the future. My kids don’t care about what’s to come, they care about seeing their Dad today, rolling around on the floor, playing hide-and-seek, extra marshmallows in their hot chocolate, Saturday donuts, and walking to the playground. The beautiful moments are happening now, right here. Many people lose the small joys in the hope for big happiness.

2019 will bring our third child in four years, so while both home life and work life seem to keep getting crazier, I hope I’m able to stay in today and enjoy this stage with our family. And now that they’re getting more active and independent (almost-4 y/o and 2 y/o), I need to commit more 1–1 “special time” with each of them next year. Their joy & sweet faces are my life’s best work.

About Success

When all your desires are distilled; you will cast just two votes — to love more, and be happy.

This year recalibrated my definition. We all strive desperately for what we seek, but what does this “success” represent? I remember thinking, “I’ll get to 50 employees” or “I‘ll sell the company for X.”, then I’ll definitely feel successful. But, aren’t we all, in our own way, just trying to work within our strengths, make a difference, feel valued/loved, and build connection? The charade of accomplishments is so frustrating and stupid. I root for people I love, no matter what they’re doing (and try not to root against people I don’t). I find nearly everyone’s career path interesting and recognize that each societal slot needs filling by someone motivated to do excellent work. I couldn’t do what you do, and you can’t do what I do. Every human interaction should start from that agreement — we’re different, unique, and distinctly valuable. I can recall many meetings with venture capitalists (insert any “successful” stereotype) over the years. In my experience, either a) someone wants you to immediately prove your worth to them, or b) someone is kind/curious and just wants to see where a conversation leads. Don’t be a prick; choose kindness. Your ego and time is no more valuable. We must, however, choose how to spend it.

About Time

Life is long if you know how to use it.

I ordered this life calendar early in 2018 — a square per week for a 90-year life. You can either color-in the weeks lived, or move a pushpin to the next square each week. Just glancing at it gives you a quick understanding of how much of your life has past and (on average) how much remains. It serves as a daily reminder how finite our time is, and I need to remember that every single day. Each day needs essentialism: what should I be doing today? Among the mix of marriage, parenthood, faith, friendships, career, employees, meetings, travel, hobbies, what allocation of time does today deserve?

I’m getting more comfortable each year with all of life’s gray zones — topics/issues that strike uncertainty, being neither black or white. How I spend my time each day is one of those. It’s not perfect, but it can be more intentional. We can (and should) be constantly aware at what is getting our time, and have the self-control to set structures for improvement. So, I did take a few practical steps. I subscribed to a print newspaper. I set out to read more. I try to press ‘call’ more quickly instead of long text exchanges. I moved all social apps off my homescreen and turned off notifications. I leave my phone in do-not-disturb mode almost constantly.

I’m still not perfectly content with all my time decisions at the end of the day (Twitter still gets me sometimes), but feel I moved closer to contentment this year.

About Friendships

One of the most beautiful qualities of true friendship is to understand and to be understood.

Friendships become much, much harder to maintain and grow as bandwidth is absorbed by parenthood and career. Most of my recent friendship growth has happened because of our kids; others at the same life stage can just throw everyone together and all celebrate (i.e. tolerate) the craziness. I’ve thought recently how difficult it is to “break in” a new friendship at this life stage. Almost everyone I know has a close-knit group of friends already, and has little free time (or desire) to invest outside or widen their circle. The problem is that human & emotional needs change as life stages change — the friends I was closest to pre-kids aren’t the same as today’s. Friendships ebb & flow through seasons. If we don’t thoughtfully choose & curate whom we’re spending our time with, we easily grow stale or bored.

I have real grief about past friendships fizzling out; some are basically “on hold” after 20+ years. It’s been a disappointing side effect of location or personal lifecycles. However, I think too many of us are incapable of letting friends go, whether out of obligation, history, or shared experience. Friendships thrive when you both awaken each other across facets of your life, and experience sheer enjoyment in being together — as the quote above says, to “understand and be understood.” As you become a different person, you require different people. May we seek to widen & diversify our friendships in 2019, and regretfully accept the grief in closing others.

About Goals

Patience is the key to joy.

Goals are strange. They’re arbitrarily named and internalized as your own, yet others easily get caught up in the side-effects of you trying to accomplish it. They create more stress than happiness, yet we end up tossing around bigger, bolder ones every year. It took me a decade and quite a few look-in-the-mirror moments to realize this. One example: In 2017, we’d grown the # of employees at FTB to about 25. I’d set a revenue goal early in the year based on my “standard” revenue expectation per employee, then built our monthly budget around it. Yet by Q4, I was steering the culture into a funk by scratching & clawing for more, right up to the stroke of midnight on December 31st. On this side, by exercising a bit of objectivity, it’s easy to admit that: a) I set the goal; b) I built expectations around that goal; c) I hired people around that goal; d) We weren’t on track; so e) I spent Christmas working nights, worse off than Scrooge. Finally, my wife quipped, “You set the goal; just set a different one next year.”

My goals for 2019 will be in smaller doses, maybe (or not) more achievable, and hopefully create more excitement and fulfillment than in years past. I want to get back in flow. Rather than fighting to produce, I’d like to just learn and create — to chase what’s interesting and curate more “perfect memories” with those I love. So, maybe I’ll publish a children’s book with my wife. Or record a family song. Read a book a week. Play the piano more. Throw a warehouse rave. Take a long family road-trip in a Sprinter van. See more Broadway. Coach a tee ball team. And most definitely, start some new companies.

About God

There is a voice that doesn’t use words, listen.

I’ve been a Jesus-follower for 18 years now, yet the #1 thing I wrestle with is doubt. My thirst for reason tries to over-learn information and I can end up stuck in variable periods of questioning (disheartening, but spiritually productive nonetheless). As 2018 is in the rear-view, with plenty of life lessons, missteps & love in tow, I choose to believe a compassionate, omniscient, creator God exists, and that Jesus was born, lived, taught, healed, died & rose. Paul Johnson’s Jesus: A Biography was huge for me this year (you should read it; Christian or not), as a reminder of the oral tradition & eyewitness accounts of everything from Mary’s conception, Jesus’s many miracles, and the resurrection. The skeptic in me so desperately needs to be reminded: this stuff really happened. I plan to continue digging into more historical and interpretative religious books this year.

Further, I want to learn more deeply from Jesus’s character & teachings. Even in the Bible belt, the compassionate way of Jesus is paradoxical & counter-cultural — blessed are the meek & merciful, love your neighbor as yourself, the last will be first. American evangelicals seem fixated on the Bible’s instructions, choosing what is, to me, a cop-out to true obedience. So many of our political divides seem to flow from our interpretation of rules, not from our interpretation of humanity. All humans have dignity, were created in the image (I believe) of God, and deserve love, equal rights, and an opportunity to improve their well-being. If you disagree with my faith, I hope we all still agree on that. Common humanity politics must win over common enemy politics. What I deserve is no different or better than what you deserve.

May we model Jesus in 2019 by building new friendships with those just like us, broken, disadvantaged and downcast, choosing to put our own well-being behind, not in-front or at the expense of, others.

Happy 2019 all. My life is better with you in it.

(all quotes are attributed to either Seneca or Rumi)